One might think that the title of this blog post is a mini-homage to the book I finished last week, Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper. in the last section of her book, all the narratives begin with those words--it's raining. but alas, that assumption would be wrong. it's raining here, and it's making me very sleepy and just generally disinterested in doing anything at all except staring at my eyelids.
for the last five days i was supposed to have been working on my dissertation prospectus. "supposed to" being the key words there, since i haven't gotten much done other than thinking of four general ideas that maybe each chapter could be about and some very superficial thinking on what primary texts i could use in my dissertation. that's it. so i'm thinking that today, i'm going to go home, take a nap, then go for coffee and do some work for a couple of hours, so that when i really sit down to work tomorrow i'll have (hopefully) at least a tiny bit to work with instead of a tabula rasa.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Another Day of Grading & Random Thoughts
random thought #1 - grading is going to go much faster today. mainly because just as i suspected a week after i gave my students their essay prompt, the prompt is just bad. i won't spend much time commenting on them, probably nothing more than how well they built their argument, and then say in class tomorrow that if they are interested in revising this essay for the portfolio to contact me and we can discuss it further. bad me for bad essay prompt!
random thought #2 - it's upsetting that all this week i've been thinking to myself--if i can only get through this week, to noon on monday, then everything will be much better. i kinda thought this mentality was going to go away after i finished my exams, but no. naps have still been riddled with guilt do the very tall stacks of grading that i have been neglecting, and there's still tons of stuff to do. sigh. i can't wait for the thanksgiving holidays!
random thought #2 - it's upsetting that all this week i've been thinking to myself--if i can only get through this week, to noon on monday, then everything will be much better. i kinda thought this mentality was going to go away after i finished my exams, but no. naps have still been riddled with guilt do the very tall stacks of grading that i have been neglecting, and there's still tons of stuff to do. sigh. i can't wait for the thanksgiving holidays!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Random Thoughts While Sitting in the Coffee Shop
so i'm here at my local coffee shop trying to grade student essays. my first random thought--it really really irritates me when people seem to come to the coffee shop for the sole express purpose of talking on their cell phones, probably talking to people they just left at home or the office. this woman sitting beside me has her computer open, but the first thing she did after sitting down was make a phone call, which she's still on, as if the people sitting around her want to hear her conversation. seriously? what are people thinking these days? are people thinking at all?
random thought #2 - it looks like it's snowing outside, even though it's just dust and pollen floating around in the air.
random thought #3 - i'd like to leave the coffee shop now and go home, but i have yet to finish grading the stack of papers i brought with me, and i said i wouldn't let myself leave until that stack was done. ugh.
random thought #4 - piping through the speakers in the coffee house right now--bon jovi's "never say goodbye". jeez, i haven't heard this song in ages!
random thought #5 (which did not occur in the coffee shop but at home while sitting at my desk watching the yankees/angels baseball game that has gone into extra innings) - i have no idea how to comment on this student's paper, who presents a point of view to which i am so completely diametrically opposed it's almost ridiculous.
random thought #2 - it looks like it's snowing outside, even though it's just dust and pollen floating around in the air.
random thought #3 - i'd like to leave the coffee shop now and go home, but i have yet to finish grading the stack of papers i brought with me, and i said i wouldn't let myself leave until that stack was done. ugh.
random thought #4 - piping through the speakers in the coffee house right now--bon jovi's "never say goodbye". jeez, i haven't heard this song in ages!
random thought #5 (which did not occur in the coffee shop but at home while sitting at my desk watching the yankees/angels baseball game that has gone into extra innings) - i have no idea how to comment on this student's paper, who presents a point of view to which i am so completely diametrically opposed it's almost ridiculous.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Doubting Lisa
So yes, it's been an incredibly long time since my last blog post. Lots and lots has happened since September 21st! First of all, I have finished the written part of my ph.d. qualifying exams. Woo-hoo! More on that later.
Apparently, I either am the worst teacher and chooser of contemporary literature ever or ... or my students just don't like what i've chosen. Perhaps it's a bit of both. We just finished reading Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper, and for the most part, all of my students liked it. Why is this not a good thing? Don't get me wrong, it's a great thing. I'm so glad that they liked it because it's been really hard getting them interested in anything. The thing is that i can't take credit for this book selection -- it's the one that was selected and recommended by last year's class. So after this book, which can be a little downer and a little heavy, i thought it would be nice to read something light and funny...enter Tony Hawks' Round Ireland with a Fridge. It's a travel narrative, and it has dry British humor and wit. and it got absolutely no response from my class. one of my students said that they picked it up to avoid having to do real studying and put it back down again. really? i asked one of my other students after class if the book was really that bad, and they said no, that he liked it. here's the thing: it's hard for me not to care if they like the book or not. it's hard for me to not take it personally. it's hard for me to not let this fill me with all kinds of self-doubt about my ability to teach a successful, engaging, and thought-provoking literature class. i know. it's not all me, but seriously. why is this so hard? i'm not saying that i need it to be easy or expect it to be easy, but i also didn't expect it to be a daily struggle.
Apparently, I either am the worst teacher and chooser of contemporary literature ever or ... or my students just don't like what i've chosen. Perhaps it's a bit of both. We just finished reading Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper, and for the most part, all of my students liked it. Why is this not a good thing? Don't get me wrong, it's a great thing. I'm so glad that they liked it because it's been really hard getting them interested in anything. The thing is that i can't take credit for this book selection -- it's the one that was selected and recommended by last year's class. So after this book, which can be a little downer and a little heavy, i thought it would be nice to read something light and funny...enter Tony Hawks' Round Ireland with a Fridge. It's a travel narrative, and it has dry British humor and wit. and it got absolutely no response from my class. one of my students said that they picked it up to avoid having to do real studying and put it back down again. really? i asked one of my other students after class if the book was really that bad, and they said no, that he liked it. here's the thing: it's hard for me not to care if they like the book or not. it's hard for me to not take it personally. it's hard for me to not let this fill me with all kinds of self-doubt about my ability to teach a successful, engaging, and thought-provoking literature class. i know. it's not all me, but seriously. why is this so hard? i'm not saying that i need it to be easy or expect it to be easy, but i also didn't expect it to be a daily struggle.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Today is..the Greatest Day...????
surprise. who knew i would spout off smashing pumpkins lyrics in this blog post? i wonder if that has some subliminal meaning?
anyway, today's the day that i begin my ph.d. exams. i can't believe today is the day and that they are already (or finally?) here! i can't say that i got a lot accomplished during the last week but well, can't do anything about that now. my chair told me to get a good night's sleep, so to that end i took a tylenol PM last night before getting into bed (just one, two is too much and makes me groggy all of the next day). i did get a full 8+ hours sleep. but this morning as i was walking down to the coffee shop and the bus stop, i started wondering if it was the tylenol PM or nerves jumping around in my stomach. not surprising, the coffee has helped a little bit as far as settling my stomach. i wonder if i'm going to be all edgy and tense until 1pm until i get my question. hopefully having to teach at nine and eleven and also having to hurry up and find something for my 11 o'clock class to read on wednesday and get copies of that reading will make the time go by faster and will keep my mind occupied.
but, i also have to say that i do feel like i'm ready to start. i recently read a blog post that gave mentor advice to graduate students, and the last one on the list of tips? let go of the guilt for not getting as much done as you wanted to get done. for me this is great advice because well, you know how much of a perfectionist i am and how frustrated i get with myself when i don't check off everything on my to-do list. but it's okay. because i really do feel ready. i have no idea what the questions i get will ask but i do know that (a) i have a plan for how the week should go and really, i think that's half the battle and (b) i have read LOTS of stuff on my first list so that means that i have LOTS of stuff to choose from as far as which primary texts to use to answer my question. so what if i didn't read women in love? like i was going to use that book to answer my question? puhlease.
sidebar--i can't tell you how amused i am right now to sit here and think that the way i've chosen to channel all my excess tension and nerves this morning is through writing. speaks volumes, doesn't it.
well, i'm off to class. my english 110 students are reading the perks of being a wallflower this week. i absolutely adore this book and i hope they will too. at least i know that the complaints i've gotten on past reading won't be repeated this week. guess they'll have to find a whole new crop of complaints to come up with.
10.10 - just got back from a busted class. i hope this is not going to establish a trend for the rest of the day
11.00 - on my way to teach my 101 class. hope it goes better than 110. my stomach is feeling much better.
12.30 - 101 class went much better than my 110 class. dropped off a book at the library and walked home which let me enjoy the wonderful fall weather we are having. about to make lunch. waiting for my questions....
1.00 - oh boy! just opened the e-mail with my exam questions and printing them out now....blahhhhh......!!!!!
1.25 - okay so i have three questions to choose from. i'm pretty sure i know which one i'm NOT going to answer. and i'm also not freaking out. all of these things are huge positives.
anyway, today's the day that i begin my ph.d. exams. i can't believe today is the day and that they are already (or finally?) here! i can't say that i got a lot accomplished during the last week but well, can't do anything about that now. my chair told me to get a good night's sleep, so to that end i took a tylenol PM last night before getting into bed (just one, two is too much and makes me groggy all of the next day). i did get a full 8+ hours sleep. but this morning as i was walking down to the coffee shop and the bus stop, i started wondering if it was the tylenol PM or nerves jumping around in my stomach. not surprising, the coffee has helped a little bit as far as settling my stomach. i wonder if i'm going to be all edgy and tense until 1pm until i get my question. hopefully having to teach at nine and eleven and also having to hurry up and find something for my 11 o'clock class to read on wednesday and get copies of that reading will make the time go by faster and will keep my mind occupied.
but, i also have to say that i do feel like i'm ready to start. i recently read a blog post that gave mentor advice to graduate students, and the last one on the list of tips? let go of the guilt for not getting as much done as you wanted to get done. for me this is great advice because well, you know how much of a perfectionist i am and how frustrated i get with myself when i don't check off everything on my to-do list. but it's okay. because i really do feel ready. i have no idea what the questions i get will ask but i do know that (a) i have a plan for how the week should go and really, i think that's half the battle and (b) i have read LOTS of stuff on my first list so that means that i have LOTS of stuff to choose from as far as which primary texts to use to answer my question. so what if i didn't read women in love? like i was going to use that book to answer my question? puhlease.
sidebar--i can't tell you how amused i am right now to sit here and think that the way i've chosen to channel all my excess tension and nerves this morning is through writing. speaks volumes, doesn't it.
well, i'm off to class. my english 110 students are reading the perks of being a wallflower this week. i absolutely adore this book and i hope they will too. at least i know that the complaints i've gotten on past reading won't be repeated this week. guess they'll have to find a whole new crop of complaints to come up with.
10.10 - just got back from a busted class. i hope this is not going to establish a trend for the rest of the day
11.00 - on my way to teach my 101 class. hope it goes better than 110. my stomach is feeling much better.
12.30 - 101 class went much better than my 110 class. dropped off a book at the library and walked home which let me enjoy the wonderful fall weather we are having. about to make lunch. waiting for my questions....
1.00 - oh boy! just opened the e-mail with my exam questions and printing them out now....blahhhhh......!!!!!
1.25 - okay so i have three questions to choose from. i'm pretty sure i know which one i'm NOT going to answer. and i'm also not freaking out. all of these things are huge positives.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Photograph
All it took was a photograph.
It's been about a 50/50 proposition as to whether i would have a meltdown in the week before my qualifying exams. now i have the answer. YES!!! however, the very last thing i was expecting was that this meltdown would be caused by something as innocuous as a photograph.
it's a quite lovely photograph. the problem with this photograph is that I'M NOT IN IT!!!!!! there's my family--mom and dad, brother and sister-in-law, and my beautiful niece. along with my brother's in-laws. all of them. not only am i not in this picture but I'M THE ONLY ONE MISSING!!!!
it's actually amazing how inextricably linked this photograph and my exams are when i sit here and think about it. my exams are the reason that i'm missing from this photograph. this photograph is the reason for the meltdown the week before my exams. it's almost like trying to answer the question of which came first: the chicken or the egg. however, i keep telling myself that i'm not in this photograph because i made a conscious decision and all decisions have consequences. if i don't like the consequences of this decision then it's my own fault and no one else's.
i was in the elevator today with some of my fellow graduate students and they were asking me if i'd already started my exams to which i replied for about the 1000th time "no, i don't start till Monday". and to which the not surprising reply was "wow, you seem pretty calm". seriously, if i hear that again that might make me come unglued for a second time. because right at this moment, i'm about as far away from calm as i can get. you know those moments of stark terror i've been talking about? well i'm in one of them right now.
It's been about a 50/50 proposition as to whether i would have a meltdown in the week before my qualifying exams. now i have the answer. YES!!! however, the very last thing i was expecting was that this meltdown would be caused by something as innocuous as a photograph.
it's a quite lovely photograph. the problem with this photograph is that I'M NOT IN IT!!!!!! there's my family--mom and dad, brother and sister-in-law, and my beautiful niece. along with my brother's in-laws. all of them. not only am i not in this picture but I'M THE ONLY ONE MISSING!!!!
it's actually amazing how inextricably linked this photograph and my exams are when i sit here and think about it. my exams are the reason that i'm missing from this photograph. this photograph is the reason for the meltdown the week before my exams. it's almost like trying to answer the question of which came first: the chicken or the egg. however, i keep telling myself that i'm not in this photograph because i made a conscious decision and all decisions have consequences. if i don't like the consequences of this decision then it's my own fault and no one else's.
i was in the elevator today with some of my fellow graduate students and they were asking me if i'd already started my exams to which i replied for about the 1000th time "no, i don't start till Monday". and to which the not surprising reply was "wow, you seem pretty calm". seriously, if i hear that again that might make me come unglued for a second time. because right at this moment, i'm about as far away from calm as i can get. you know those moments of stark terror i've been talking about? well i'm in one of them right now.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Shifting Gears
All I can say about the most recent post -- oops! That's actually for my English 110 class. Somehow I was on the wrong blog!
But back to me. So, exams are in T-11 days. Today I feel fine. But as I was driving through downtown earlier this afternoon I thought to myself, sure, I feel fine now, but how am i going to feel on monday when i'm meeting with my advisor and it's T-7 days until my exams. I could very well be freaking out. Or, maybe I'll be just as fine on monday as i am today. who knows? you can never discount the freaking out factor that usually comes when you realize you have one week until the day circled 100 times in red on your calendar.
funny thing is, i can feel myself slowing down. i mean, i have a very short list of books i'd like to get through before next monday. i did my best to make this list manageable and reasonable. but see the thing is...i'm not sure how much more fiction i can cram into my brain. really, i'm not sure how much more of anything i can cram into my brain at this point. i feel like i've been reading for months, and well, i have, but now it actually feels like i have, and that sort of makes all the difference mindset-wise. i'm not sure if what i just said makes any sense at all. the point is, i'm having trouble picking up the next book, and then the next book, and then the next book. what had kept me picking up book after book was stark terror and panic. either i've passed that stage completely (although if i have, i have no idea what comes after that stage - can anyone tell me?) or i just feel ready. as ready as i'm ever going to feel that is. i mean, i think there will be definite moments of extreme fear and uncertainty the day that i get my questions, but i think i can manage the stress and i think if i can just get through the first one i'll be able to get through the second two weeks. because with the second week at least i'll feel like i have some idea of what i'm doing.
it's weird because i just want to tell myself to relax. but at the same time i know me. i need stress in order to produce good work. and well, writing 20-25 pages in a week will be plenty of stress. as i keep saying, we'll see what happens.
i do know though that i'm not going to do anything school-related the sunday before exams. i have no idea what i'm going to do yet--probably go for a workout at the gym and maybe see a movie and do some cleaning and most definitely take a nap. not sure how else i'll fill that day but i'm definitely open to suggestions...
P.S. after writing this i was asking myself what movies are even out or will be coming out the weekend before my exams. so i went to the movie theatre website and found the trailer for love happens. OMG. i just adore aaron eckhart. that movie could very well be in my near future...
But back to me. So, exams are in T-11 days. Today I feel fine. But as I was driving through downtown earlier this afternoon I thought to myself, sure, I feel fine now, but how am i going to feel on monday when i'm meeting with my advisor and it's T-7 days until my exams. I could very well be freaking out. Or, maybe I'll be just as fine on monday as i am today. who knows? you can never discount the freaking out factor that usually comes when you realize you have one week until the day circled 100 times in red on your calendar.
funny thing is, i can feel myself slowing down. i mean, i have a very short list of books i'd like to get through before next monday. i did my best to make this list manageable and reasonable. but see the thing is...i'm not sure how much more fiction i can cram into my brain. really, i'm not sure how much more of anything i can cram into my brain at this point. i feel like i've been reading for months, and well, i have, but now it actually feels like i have, and that sort of makes all the difference mindset-wise. i'm not sure if what i just said makes any sense at all. the point is, i'm having trouble picking up the next book, and then the next book, and then the next book. what had kept me picking up book after book was stark terror and panic. either i've passed that stage completely (although if i have, i have no idea what comes after that stage - can anyone tell me?) or i just feel ready. as ready as i'm ever going to feel that is. i mean, i think there will be definite moments of extreme fear and uncertainty the day that i get my questions, but i think i can manage the stress and i think if i can just get through the first one i'll be able to get through the second two weeks. because with the second week at least i'll feel like i have some idea of what i'm doing.
it's weird because i just want to tell myself to relax. but at the same time i know me. i need stress in order to produce good work. and well, writing 20-25 pages in a week will be plenty of stress. as i keep saying, we'll see what happens.
i do know though that i'm not going to do anything school-related the sunday before exams. i have no idea what i'm going to do yet--probably go for a workout at the gym and maybe see a movie and do some cleaning and most definitely take a nap. not sure how else i'll fill that day but i'm definitely open to suggestions...
P.S. after writing this i was asking myself what movies are even out or will be coming out the weekend before my exams. so i went to the movie theatre website and found the trailer for love happens. OMG. i just adore aaron eckhart. that movie could very well be in my near future...
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