Today is..the Greatest Day...????

surprise.  who knew i would spout off smashing pumpkins lyrics in this blog post? i wonder if that has some subliminal meaning?

anyway, today's the day that i begin my ph.d. exams.  i can't believe today is the day and that they are already (or finally?) here! i can't say that i got a lot accomplished during the last week but well, can't do anything about that now.  my chair told me to get a good night's sleep, so to that end i took a tylenol PM last night before getting into bed (just one, two is too much and makes me groggy all of the next day).  i did get a full 8+ hours sleep.  but this morning as i was walking down to the coffee shop and the bus stop, i started wondering if it was the tylenol PM or nerves jumping around in my stomach.  not surprising, the coffee has helped a little bit as far as settling my stomach.  i wonder if i'm going to be all edgy and tense until 1pm until i get my question.  hopefully having to teach at nine and eleven and also having to hurry up and find something for my 11 o'clock class to read on wednesday and get copies of that reading will make the time go by faster and will keep my mind occupied.

but, i also have to say that i do feel like i'm ready to start.  i recently read a blog post that gave mentor advice to graduate students, and the last one on the list of tips? let go of the guilt for not getting as much done as you wanted to get done.  for me this is great advice because well, you know how much of a perfectionist i am and how frustrated i get with myself when i don't check off everything on my to-do list.  but it's okay.  because i really do feel ready.  i have no idea what the questions i get will ask but i do know that (a) i have a plan for how the week should go and really, i think that's half the battle and (b) i have read LOTS of stuff on my first list so that means that i have LOTS of stuff to choose from as far as which primary texts to use to answer my question.  so what if i didn't read women in love? like i was going to use that book to answer my question?  puhlease.

sidebar--i can't tell you how amused i am right now to sit here and think that the way i've chosen to channel all my excess tension and nerves this morning is through writing.  speaks volumes, doesn't it.

well, i'm off to class.  my english 110 students are reading the perks of being a wallflower this week.  i absolutely adore this book and i hope they will too.  at least i know that the complaints i've gotten on past reading won't be repeated this week.  guess they'll have to find a whole new crop of complaints to come up with.

10.10 - just got back from a busted class.  i hope this is not going to establish a trend for the rest of the day

11.00 - on my way to teach my 101 class.  hope it goes better than 110.  my stomach is feeling much better.

12.30 - 101 class went much better than my 110 class.  dropped off a book at the library and walked home which let me enjoy the wonderful fall weather we are having.  about to make lunch.  waiting for my questions....

1.00 - oh boy! just opened the e-mail with my exam questions and printing them out now....blahhhhh......!!!!!

1.25 - okay so i have three questions to choose from.  i'm pretty sure i know which one i'm NOT going to answer.  and i'm also not freaking out.  all of these things are huge positives.

Photograph

All it took was a photograph.

It's been about a 50/50 proposition as to whether i would have a meltdown in the week before my qualifying exams.  now i have the answer.  YES!!!  however, the very last thing i was expecting was that this meltdown would be caused by something as innocuous as a photograph.

it's a quite lovely photograph.  the problem with this photograph is that I'M NOT IN IT!!!!!!  there's my family--mom and dad, brother and sister-in-law, and my beautiful niece.  along with my brother's in-laws.  all of them.  not only am i not in this picture but I'M THE ONLY ONE MISSING!!!!

it's actually amazing how inextricably linked this photograph and my exams are when i sit here and think about it.  my exams are the reason that i'm missing from this photograph.  this photograph is the reason for the meltdown the week before my exams. it's almost like trying to answer the question of which came first: the chicken or the egg.  however, i keep telling myself that i'm not in this photograph because i made a conscious decision and all decisions have consequences.  if i don't like the consequences of this decision then it's my own fault and no one else's.

i was in the elevator today with some of my fellow graduate students and they were asking me if i'd already started my exams to which i replied for about the 1000th time "no, i don't start till Monday".  and to which the not surprising reply was "wow, you seem pretty calm".  seriously, if i hear that again that might make me come unglued for a second time.  because right at this moment, i'm about as far away from calm as i can get.  you know those moments of stark terror i've been talking about?  well i'm in one of them right now.

Shifting Gears

All I can say about the most recent post -- oops!  That's actually for my English 110 class.  Somehow I was on the wrong blog!

But back to me.  So, exams are in T-11 days.  Today I feel fine.  But as I was driving through downtown earlier this afternoon I thought to myself, sure, I feel fine now, but how am i going to feel on monday when i'm meeting with my advisor and it's T-7 days until my exams.  I could very well be freaking out.  Or, maybe I'll be just as fine on monday as i am today.  who knows?  you can never discount the freaking out factor that usually comes when you realize you have one week until the day circled 100 times in red on your calendar.

funny thing is, i can feel myself slowing down.  i mean, i have a very short list of books i'd like to get through before next monday.  i did my best to make this list manageable and reasonable.  but see the thing is...i'm not sure how much more fiction i can cram into my brain.  really, i'm not sure how much more of anything i can cram into my brain at this point.  i feel like i've been reading for months, and well, i have, but now it actually feels like i have, and that sort of makes all the difference mindset-wise.  i'm not sure if what i just said makes any sense at all.  the point is, i'm having trouble picking up the next book, and then the next book, and then the next book.  what had kept me picking up book after book was stark terror and panic.  either i've passed that stage completely (although if i have, i have no idea what comes after that stage - can anyone tell me?) or i just feel ready.  as ready as i'm ever going to feel that is.  i mean, i think there will be definite moments of extreme fear and uncertainty the day that i get my questions, but i think i can manage the stress and i think if i can just get through the first one i'll be able to  get through the second two weeks.  because with the second week at least i'll feel like i have some idea of what i'm doing.

it's weird because i just want to tell myself to relax.  but at the same time i know me.  i need stress in order to produce good work.  and well, writing 20-25 pages in a week will be plenty of stress.  as i keep saying, we'll see what happens.

i do know though that i'm not going to do anything school-related the sunday before exams.  i have no idea what i'm going to do yet--probably go for a workout at the gym and maybe see a movie and do some cleaning and most definitely take a nap.  not sure how else i'll fill that day but i'm definitely open to suggestions...

P.S. after writing this i was asking myself what movies are even out or will be coming out the weekend before my exams.  so i went to the movie theatre website and found the trailer for love happens.  OMG.  i just adore aaron eckhart.  that movie could very well be in my near future...

A Place So Foreign and 8 More ~ Reading Schedule

For Friday, 9/11, make sure to read the title story "A Place So Foreign"

For Monday, 9/14, read "To Market, To Market: The Rebranding of Billy Bailey" and "Shadow of the Mothaship"

For Wednesday, 9/16, read "Home Again, Home Again" and "0wnz0red"

I'm also very excited to announce that we'll have a guest instructor in class on Monday, 9/14.  Her name is Julie Meloni and she's an instructor in the English department, currently teaching 20th/21st Century Global Literature at the Tri-Cities campus.  She's a big fan of Doctorow and can't wait to meet our class.

Exams Are Nearly Here!!!!

i can't believe that in just a little less than three weeks i'll be taking my qualifying exams.  i popped into my chair's office today to schedule a meeting for next week and he told me that he thought i was appropriately stressed out.  this description of myself makes me laugh.  because who would have ever thought that being "appropriately stressed out" would be a state that i would aspire to or feel comfortable inhabiting?  i said that i thought i was way more stressed out than i was actually letting on, but he says that i'm busy and steadily checking stuff off my lists and not totally freaking out and hence can't get anything done.  so i guess that's good.  i am nervous about the whole thing, but i'm also looking forward to the experience, but i'm also looking forward to having them done.  it's a very weird place to be.