Ch-ch-change....

It's amazing how much the process of becoming a teacher has changed me.

Not that I consider myself to be a full-blown "experienced" teacher yet.  I'm still in the process of becoming that.  Sure, I teach college composition, and I'm teaching a literature class now, but when people ask me what I do, my answer is still that I'm a graduate student working on a ph.d.  I don't ever say that I'm a teacher, unless I'm asked whether or not I have to teach or do I want to use my ph.d. to teach.  I suppose that the actual act of teaching isn't enough to make one a teacher.  Part of that becoming involves actually thinking of oneself as a teacher.  I am struggling to get to the point where I can see myself in this light.

While there is a large support group at my school for those instructors who teach college composition, there isn't something similar for those of us who are graduate students teaching literature courses, and I really wish there was.  Each instructor has to take the initiative to reach out to other instructors and find out what similar challenges we face and get tips from each other on how to handle a wide variety of issues.  And while I always enjoy these one-on-one discussions and usually leave with the sense that I'm not the only one facing these challenges, I often feel like learning to teach literature to students is a process of trial and error.

This is where I feel like I've changed during this continuing process of becoming a teacher.  I've always been pretty self-confident, but this whole teaching business--well, that's made a pretty insecure person.  I always think I've come up with such great and stimulating questions to ask students and to open discussion but it doesn't always work out that way.  But...I will persevere and this insecurity has led me to have to always be willing to try new things.

Still, part of me wonders if even experienced teachers find that old saying true...we all lead quiet lives of desperation...

Felicia's Journey

so a little while ago i finished reading william trevor's book felicia's journey.  if you're looking for something with a happy or inspiring ending, this book is definitely not it.  but i'm getting ahead of myself.

here's a basic plot summary without giving away the ultimate ending of the book.  our title character, felicia, is a really young "Irish girl" (she's referred to that way so many times it's a little ridiculous) who--you guessed it--falls in love with an Irish lad who's a total rake.  Felicia's father tells her that she shouldn't see him because there are rumors that Johnny has become a member of the British Army.  however, daddy's warning comes to late, as felicia has already been "ruined" and finds herself pregnant with johnny's baby.  being the rake that he is, he's given her false information as to what he does for living and where he lives and leaves her with no address and a flimsy promise that he'll be back to see her at christmas before hopping on a bus and leaving.  felicia, learning that she's pregnant, determines to go to england and find her lover and break the news and then together they can decide what to do.  she goes to england, and of course can't find him.  that's where the other character--mr. hilditch--comes in.  she stops him for directions, and then later he gives her a recommendation for a place where she can spend the night.  mr. hilditch, of course, is no good man, even though everyone who knows him would testify to that very idea.  rather, he's the serial killer named on the back of the book (i don't think this is a spoiler because this is pretty obvious from the get-go).  suffice it to say, mr. hilditch gets felicia to trust him and more bad things happen to her.

it's difficult to figure out which is supposed to be felicia's greatest folly in the early part of the book--getting pregnant, leaving home without knowing where she's going, or trusting hilditch. what the author does seem to be trying to convey is that all of these follies are committed due to felicia's innocence and "simple" upbringing.  that she's completely naive and has been seduced and preyed upon by an unconscionable man.  there is also the sense too that somehow felicia's family has failed to protect her...that they were ineffectual safeguards for her innocence.  her mother died when she was a child, and her father is more concerned with felicia's state of unemployment and insists that she work part-time so that in her other time she can care for her centenarian great-grandmother and cook and clean for her two brothers who still live at home.  she has another brother who has recently married, who is a plasterer by trade, but eventually gives up that trade in order to help run his wife's family's store. her father doesn't realize that felicia has been dating johnny until it's far too late, and her brothers spend their anger on johnny by beating and kicking him one night outside of bar when he finally does return to felicia's small town after she has left. all three men are made to appear useless and completely unaware of what's going on with a woman they live with and see everyday (but then again, isn't that typical?).  further still, not only is felicia a good Irish girl, but she's a good Catholic Irish girl, who went to school at a convent.  she doesn't go to the sisters for guidance with her trouble, and there seems to be an implication that rather than aiding her in her time of need, she'll be scorned and outcasted. what further complicates all this is the one-dimensional woodenness of felicia's character.  the author doesn't do a really good job of drawing her and completing a full character.  she remains fate's plaything for most of the novel until the final climactic scene, but even then, she is portrayed as having given in to her fate without any fight and without any real interest in living life.  

of course, i can't comment upon this without discussing what seems to be an overt attempt to make a political statement about Irish/British relations.  this book was written in 1994.  but it seems to me that with the character of johnny and the rumor that he (being native Irish) is in the british army not only speaks to the lengths that irish have been forced to go in order to survive, but also it can be read as a metaphor for empire--the evil, cunning british seducing the innocent, simple irish and then walking away, feeling no responsibility at all for the destruction they've wrought, leaving the irish to deal with the ramifications and consequences of the imperial encounter.  even felicia's continued passivity and hilditch's aggressive behavior (hilditch being british) only repeats that imperial encounter except in a different setting--which would seem to suggest that the irish are not safe from the british in their own country or in england.  felicia's corrupted innocence and her ultimate fate seem to be inescapable and irretrievable.  perhaps that's why this book doesn't have a happy ending.

while i think trevor's character development is lacking (unless of course, he intended this so that felicia could stand in for the greater idea of Ireland) his writing is beautiful and evocative. on that level, i can see why there were so many rave reviews printed on the back of this book. also, there seems something very familiar in the style of this book.  meaning, this is the third book in a row that i've read by an irish writer.  this book is more contemporary than dubliners, but it does have a modernist feel to it as far as the style of storytelling.  i suppose as i read more contemporary irish writing i will be able to better be able to tell whether this is a tradition of irish literature.  meaning, even though it's not "modern" it can be said to be a descendant of that literary genre.  it's odd because here i am once more, not sure whether i liked this book or not.  i can say that i liked it more than the third policeman.  i can also say that it leaves me with a lot to think about and ponder over, and there was even a moment when i wondered if my 110 students would like this book.  i also wonder if a lot of scholarly work has been done on this book and whether or not my reading is what everyone else sees.  in any case, if you pick up this book, be prepared for the possibility of an unsatisfying ending.  

next up -- brian moore's lies of silence.  it seems like i can read a book every two days, so perhaps a new blog post by 8/6. but no guarantees!

The Third Policeman

So I finished reading The Third Policeman by Flann O'Brien.  This is a strange strange little book. But I have to say that there is definitely a panoptic moment near the end of it that might prove useful in future writing.  However, the silver lining comes, strangely after book has ended. there's a page where the author is writing to william saroyan telling him that he thinks he could turn the book into a play.  In this letter, he basically explains the premise of the story that you don't get if you haven't been reading particularly well.  I'll try not to give away the entire story, but O'Brien explains that the story is a metaphor for what he thinks hell must be like for those who have earned a ticket there.  It's a place where you have to live the same events over and over again, never learning that you are dead or that you're even in hell.  What this letter doesn't make clear, though, is another odd thread that weaves through the book, and honestly, this may have been explained in the front matter to the book that I skipped (as is my generally rule since I don't want to have the story spoiled for me before I even start it).  The main character is constantly talking about a philosopher--de Selby--who I assume is a fictional person created to add a farcical element to the story.  Throughout the book, there are footnotes that explain particular aspects of de Selby's research, since the main character fancies himself to be a foremost authority on de Selby and has hopes of publishing a book about him and his work.  I had thought that eventually there would be some kind of parallel between the critics of de Selby's work who are alluded to in the footnotes and the main characters of the novel, but if there is supposed to be some parallel, I gotta admit that I didn't quite catch it.  Interestingly enough, in O'Brien's letter to Saroyan he does say that the story is intended to be funny, and yet he also expresses his uncertainty as to whether or not the comedy actually comes across.  I, too, wonder about this so-called comedic element that the story is supposed to have.  The back cover of the book that gives the typical snapshot of what the book is about also says that it is supposed to be funny.  I just didn't get the humor.  I mean yes, the business with the bicycles is funny, but if I were recommending this book to someone, I certainly wouldn't tell them that it's funny.  Then again, maybe it's just a kind of dry humor I failed to get.  

The good news is that finishing the book gives me another check mark on my exam lists, and check marks are what I am all about these days.  The next book up:  Felicia's Journey by William Trevor.  

Odds and Ends

well, i had an excellent meeting with my diss chair today. got some questions answered and everything is on track.  woo-hoo.  what makes me even more happy is to hear that my prospectus only has to be 10-15 pages and also that the structure of my dissertation is at the moment up to me.  i love when i get to make my own rules.  i also love that my chair knows i'm a perfectionist and tries to keep me from sabotaging myself and also that he's figured out that i always try to do much and tries to convince me to do much less.  

so i made this very silly goal last saturday to read 7 books in 7 days.  what was i thinking?  well, i know what i was thinking.  i have a crapload of reading to do and i need to be more serious about doing it.  but seriously, a book a day?  i should have known that that wasn't feasible.  i guess the good thing is that i've read 3 books since saturday--the good soldier, to the lighthouse, and dubliners.  i'm about halfway through the heart of the matter and hopefully i can finish that by tomorrow.  it's a lot slower than the quiet american and not nearly half as interesting.  so it's been hard to get through.  seems i'm having that problem with several books because i'm partially through several books right now.  i was just thinking that the day that i'm only in the middle of one book...well, that'll be an unusual day to say the least.  it'll definitely be something to blog about if that day ever comes.

big fun is only 2 weeks away....this time 2 weeks from now i'll be in seattle and then off to chicago for baseball!! i absolutely can't wait.  i haven't been out of pullman (well, i guess i should say eastern washington) since march.  it's definitely time for a change of scenery and for me to get my big city fix.  i'll have to see if there's a half-price books in seattle and also plan to do some shopping.  i so much need some new clothes for teaching this fall.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

it seems fitting that i should be here about to blog my thoughts on the perks of being a wallflower while listening to the new our lady peace CD.  all i need is a glass of wine.  [okay, i have corrected the wine oversight.  the blogging can now continue.] so, now that i'm done with this book, i have to admit that it's absolutely fantastic, though i had no idea what heavy issues it deals with.  but i think my students will still like it and at least i know there will be a ton of stuff to talk about.  and yet one question that really remains unanswered for me...what are the perks of being a wallflower?  i'm hoping that my students will have lots of creative and insightful answers to this question.  i'm actually finding it hard to blog about the book because i feel like i'm going to give everything away to people who haven't read it and that's hardly fair!

It's All OK

here's the thing.  i managed to get out of bed and out of my apartment before 10am this morning. i even have a couple of books with me to read, but i'm not even going to pretend to try to read them.  i have to take my car in to the service shop at 11am, and with only an hour to work and e-mails and tweets to return and read, i knew the moment i sat down that no reading was going to be taking place.  but that's okay.  

whatever funk i was in on monday i think i have gotten out of.  yesterday didn't yield any work or check marks as far as reading for exams goes, but i did get a lot of good work done on my 101 class for the fall.  i've drafted the assignment sheet for the group project/presentation as well as the individual informative reports i'm going to have my students do/write for omnivore's dilemma, and i even know when in the semester the presentations will be happening.  it's going to be great, because for almost two weeks my students will be teaching class, not me.  and it's timed well because during those two weeks i'll be needing to revise the paper i'm going to read at PAMLA.  

and i woke up this morning with renewed determination to get my reading done done done.  i have no idea where all this optimism has come from, but maybe at long last i finally had a good night's worth of sleep last night.  i didn't wake up all exhausted and stressed.  maybe taking a day off from work also helped, though i did read placement exams yesterday morning so it wasn't an all day play day. at any rate, i don't necessarily need to know where all the good vibes have come from, i'll just worry about keeping them and making them work in my favor.

No Title

For the last three and a half minutes, I have been listening to Michael Buble's version of "Try a Little Tenderness", drinking white wine, and alternating my gaze between the stack of books on my bedside table and the blank box waiting for me to fill it with my next blog post.  This is all to say that I have no idea where this blog post will be going and if at the end i still have no idea, well, i suppose that will be okay.

i suppose the first thing i want to blog about is that i just finished reading louise penny's "still life".  i chose this book for my fall english lit class and i'm so glad that i did because there's a lot about this book to like.  it really is well-written and it's well-paced.  the characters are engaging and i must say, i'm glad that the one whodunit wasn't the one person who i really didn't want to be the one whodunit--which just means that i was satisfied with the conclusion of the novel.  or shall i say...the denouement? (perhaps this is one of the literary terms i can discuss!).  i picked up the book because it's the first in a series, so if the students like it and want to read more they can, but also because some of the reviews compared the detective--armand gamache--to hercule poirot, and well i just love poirot. i can see the comparison, especially when they make the distinction of calling gamache a 21st century version of poirot.  but i've read a bunch of poirot novels and i gotta say that gamache's character is much more fully developed than poirot's.  suffice it to say, i totally will be putting the next book in the series into my amazon wish list, and will plan to read it on the plane trip home at thanksgiving.

however, all of this talk of books (or shall i say 'this book'?) is just a convenient distraction.  i haven't been sleeping very well, and the only two things i can really attribute this to are stress and too much caffeine.  but i'm not buying too much caffeine as a plausible explanation.  i really think it's stress.  though, i must say, in comparison to june, i have gotten so much more work done in these 20 days of july than i did in all 30 days of june.  just now after a quick count, i've familiarized myself with all or part of 23 of the 54 items on my 2nd exam list. and i still have 10 days left.  granted, i may not have all 54 covered by the end of july, but i know i'm going to be in a much better place with this list than i was at the end of june with my 1st list.  and well, it's stress, and i'm very used to stress.  thrive on it even.  is that really what is troubling my sleep? because i do sleep--i can just tell i'm not getting good sleep.  even after my second cup of coffee today i was absolutely and utterly exhausted.  perhaps i need to start working out, though i have no idea how i'm going to fit that into my schedule, though i have been trying.  and well, i've gone three whole days without taking a nap.  frankly, i thought it was the naps that was making it difficult to get good sleep, but i'm almost into a routine now.  well, at least i am on the going asleep side.  i've been getting into bed by 1am rather than the 2.30...3.00...3.30...habit i had fallen into during late june/early july after i was finished teaching.  now if i can just consistently get up earlier...but no, i'm still hitting snooze on my alarm until 10am.  at any rate...sleep has been an issue, one that i need to solve quickly, especially since school is just around the corner and i'm going to have to teach at 9.10!

so what is the point of this blog post?  what is the purpose?  i have no idea, though i know that i'm asking this question because i was reading a blog post by someone who said that they excelled at the personal essay and so blogging is just a natural writing outlet for them and i thought to myself, huh, do i excel at the personal essay?  have i even ever written a personal essay, much less a good personal essay?  i suppose my personal statement for grad school applications counts, but i certainly wouldn't affix the descriptor of "good" to any of those.  i'm also asking this question because i know i'm going to ask my 101 students to write a personal narrative for one of their writing assignments.  i know i will give them examples of personal narratives but i'm also thinking to myself could i even write a personal narrative?  and what do i consider to be a good personal narrative?  i dunno.  certainly not this blog post.