Ch-ch-change....

It's amazing how much the process of becoming a teacher has changed me.

Not that I consider myself to be a full-blown "experienced" teacher yet.  I'm still in the process of becoming that.  Sure, I teach college composition, and I'm teaching a literature class now, but when people ask me what I do, my answer is still that I'm a graduate student working on a ph.d.  I don't ever say that I'm a teacher, unless I'm asked whether or not I have to teach or do I want to use my ph.d. to teach.  I suppose that the actual act of teaching isn't enough to make one a teacher.  Part of that becoming involves actually thinking of oneself as a teacher.  I am struggling to get to the point where I can see myself in this light.

While there is a large support group at my school for those instructors who teach college composition, there isn't something similar for those of us who are graduate students teaching literature courses, and I really wish there was.  Each instructor has to take the initiative to reach out to other instructors and find out what similar challenges we face and get tips from each other on how to handle a wide variety of issues.  And while I always enjoy these one-on-one discussions and usually leave with the sense that I'm not the only one facing these challenges, I often feel like learning to teach literature to students is a process of trial and error.

This is where I feel like I've changed during this continuing process of becoming a teacher.  I've always been pretty self-confident, but this whole teaching business--well, that's made a pretty insecure person.  I always think I've come up with such great and stimulating questions to ask students and to open discussion but it doesn't always work out that way.  But...I will persevere and this insecurity has led me to have to always be willing to try new things.

Still, part of me wonders if even experienced teachers find that old saying true...we all lead quiet lives of desperation...